I will not be the first or last to say it, but I am a screenager.
Yesterday I spent essentially my entire day, on my phone or staring at a screen. And I feel awful about it. I knew when I woke up and opened TikTok first thing– I said to myself “This is not good for you, you shouldn’t be doing this” and yet I did it anyway. And I was right– It was not good for me!
I’ve found that whatever I begin my day with, sets the tone for the rest of my day. So when I started my day scrolling TikTok, all day long that’s all my brain wanted me to do. I’ve heard there’s a science to back this up too, but you’ll have to fact-check that on your own time. I’m a blog, remember, not a research journal.
The worst feeling is that while I’m head first in a scrolling binge, I’m able to recognize that I hate what I’m doing, and hate myself a little bit for doing it, but I can’t bring myself to stop it. Once I’m locked into my phone, switching over to anything else– reading, writing, listening to something– just isn’t enough for my brain. I’m craving the fast-paced, cheap dopamine, and overstimulation of TikTok.
Even as I write this, I’m laughing at myself for how stupid this sounds and feels– essentially saying I’m addicted to my phone and watching TikTok, but unfortunately, that’s just how it is. There’s an article I’ve had saved for a while now– but haven’t gotten around to reading it because every time a scroll sounds better– about how scrolling on our phones makes us feel less sexy, and god does that resonate. Maybe I’m subconsciously avoiding reading it also because I know it’s going to feel like I’m directly being called out, and I’m not ready to handle that yet. I have been saying, that when I take a step back and realize how long I’ve been watching videos on this digital brick I carry around, I feel ridiculous. I feel ugly, and I feel ashamed.
But why can’t I stop myself?!
This answer is convoluted, and part of the addiction is absolutely scientific, because I know, and I feel how I’ve shortened my attention span over the years of watching TikTok. But I think for me, it’s also following a trend that I’m noticing in all aspects of my life. I’m lacking discipline. For about a year now, I have let myself go in terms of loosening my boundaries and rules for life in an attempt to relax and just live– but now I’ve gone too far. Now I have no willpower to push myself to do the things that are good for me, like reading in the morning, journaling, or getting enough water. I am my most free self right now, but I am also my worst self.
It’s time to start gently parenting myself back to being the person I truly want to be. It’s time to put down the phone and take this seriously because if I don’t now, I never will.
Wow, this feels like a breakup letter with my phone, and TikTok.
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